About a Boy: An Exploration on Control

These days I dread, rest my head.

I roost the fire like a hawk in white down,

as I'm coming down, I'm coming down.

The world in fruition, a death of the nation,

the burnt military rations of the dying faction.

Another day spent in my mind, the weeks

they burn, no other can find what has been lost inside my mind.

Yeah, I don't know what that lame poem was for, really. But now on to the actual writing! "It happens, and I wish it didn't, but that's life, isn't it?"

Many things in this world are out of our control. As a matter of thought, I wonder if anything is truly within our grasp. Maybe we can shape something to be different, but at its core, it is the same. It is as it always is. Atomically, it is the same; molecularly, it is the same; there may be a discoloration here and there but at the base of it all, everything is out of our control. You see, things in this world follow a certain state of laws, much like a law of matter. It follows these laws because if they did not then the very structure of this world would just be an unorganized mess. Imagine the grass growing in thick, pulsing rock-like clumps; or the wood in trees forming a large wall, with the roots growing upwards to form branches. If the world were like this then this world would be unstable and therefore unpredictable. 

This also applies to certain people. Some people are submissive, bending at every command; but inside them, they have a voice of their own, they are just afraid to say it. Some people are controlling, or attempt to be so, but these people can only control the weak and thus, cannot control a person who knows his or her place. So, I guess you could assume that with this knowledge, try as we may, we shall never understand or comprehend the world around us as it will always remain quite a mystery;  which, for us, makes the world unpredictable. We desire to be in control, as that is what our minds were designed to do: To change things in such a way that allows us to use it to our advantage. So then, we are never really in control; we are not in control at all.

You just have to learn to accept what you cannot control. You can fight back but this does not mean that you will succeed; however, this may be proven incorrect. But I say to you this: We shall never truly understand what we cannot control, and all we can assume is that there are sets of natural laws that the world has to abide by, or else (even if we do not understand it) it could fall. 

Food for Thought

I'm not a huge fan of food, as my physical senses that revolve around my nerves are actually quite destroyed and as such I don't really care for what I eat; however, there are some foods I enjoy. But I like to prepare food more than to taste it for myself. I like what I call, "Bioregional food," This is food native to your bioregion, such as the Ozarks. I don't really know what to write about, but I love fermented food and here is some food native to our region:

1) Pickled Black Walnuts
2) Wild Potato Vine (Ipomoea Pandurata): The root tubers, when baked can be used as a vegetarian substitute to pulled pork in recipes. You can also use it to make mashed potatoes, but I don't think that the texture fairs well with it.
3) Autumn Olive (Elaeagnus umbellata): Not an olive! It makes a fine wine if you know how to ferment it! It taste sweet; however, it is invasive. So use ALL the berries!
4) Spicebush (Lindera benzoin): Can be used for tea. Crushed the dried leaves and berries and put into a tea ball. Brew the tea, mix with honey or turn it into an oxymel.

There are many more foods, but I have yet to actually grow any. I refuse to grow any invasive species and choose to harvest them wild instead. Even though I know how to prepare food in a traditional manner, e.i., a manner that does not utilize any formal modern equipment such as a refrigerator, since I want to live without or with barely any technology in the future. So the food I would prepare will be good, but it will take time to develop a taste for it because modern food is filled with bland flavors and the like. The flavors present in fermented food is more diverse; meaning, there are so many different flavors that come up in one bite. Every batch that you ferment will taste similar to the last, but will have minor or major differences depending upon the room's ambient temperature, amount of salt, amount of water and other things like the present bacteria. This bacteria is actually good for you, it's called probiotics. I like to cook with cast-iron skillets because steel is too modern (I'm kind of a anti-modernist), and copper can be poisonous (Even if copper skillets look good). Plus, I've heard that some of the iron in the skillet gets into the food and I think that we can all use some of that in our blood! Yeah, I love preparing food. I guess I just don't enjoy food that is prepackaged as the preservatives and processing really takes out the stuff that gives it flavor: the raw ingredients.

Plus, I would love to live in a world based upon the past; so that influences what I want to cook. Imagine eating a historical meal, but based upon old dietary laws of older religions. I think that would be cool.

1. I am a self-trained vocalist. NO, you do not use your vocal chords to sing. If you do will damage your voice over time. You use subharmonic techniques, and the body parts you use to sing are your diaphragm, soft palette, fry register amongst other complex muscles in your throat and chest. Singing without knowledge on how to do so can be damaging, please consult someone who knows how to sing before learning.
2. I play the guitar good sometimes okay; I've only been playing for a year so I'm kind of bad.
3. My sense of humor changes often, but now I make jokes about my injuries, myself, drugs and the company BD.
4. You probably don't need to or want to know what BD is.
5. I like speedcore, black metal, metalcore, indie folk, indie, crust folk, folk music, folk metal, hardcore rock, post-black metal; basically, any music that is historical like folk, and any extreme electronic or metal genre I enjoy. I also like ambient, preferably dark ambient.
6. I have bicuspid aortic valve disorder.
7. One of my favorite songs is about a device used to keep people with detrimental heart conditions in pace, called, "PACEMAKER REV. 2.0" by the Quick Brown Fox.
8. I like snakes.
9. I'm eighteen.
10. I was diagnosed with ADHD, depression, anxiety as a child; however, I exhibit no symptoms of them now.
11. I have a high pain tolerance and enjoy certain stressful situations. One of my childhood dreams was to teleport in a world like Silent Hill, or other psychological horror series.
12. As a child, I suffered severe Aspergers, a form of autism that I have since outgrown. Very rarely any of it still remains.
13. I study theology, meaning religion. I prefer to study private religions, fringe religions, and spirituality, along with certain ancient religious practices.
14. I love meditating to dark ambient music.
15. I desire to own land and build a homestead in the future.
16. Through meditation, I have the ability to induce a deep state of consciousness in which I lose partial contact with my bodily functions; however, thanks to my medulla my brain and heart still work. If I were to go any deeper into meditation I would become dissociated with reality - something I wish to achieve - and it would generate a heavy amount of hallucinations. This is a goal of mine.
17. I have centered my future career around nature, as I believe that nature is inherently, scientifically, spiritually and literally above humanity in all ways.
18. There are few people that I care enough about to defend them with my life; these people are rare and you will never see them.
19. I have an honor code, I take it very seriously. I tells me how to act, what to do and not to do, and enforces aspects of my life. Since I have still a small remaining bit of ADHD in me, it allows me to keep my behavior stable.
20. My ideal form of government is primitivist entarchy; however, this would send us back to the stone ages so I let it pass.
21. I recently got into a skateboarding accident, which explains the bruises and scratches on my face.
22. I cannot tell people who I am.
23. I have an affection towards low-technology solutions in a high-tech world.
24. I'm a traditionalist; I'd rather read a physical book than a pdf.
25. I study mind-altering alkaloids and how they affect the human mind.
26. I do not feel comfortable when people know stuff about me, so is it okay if I delete this once it gets graded?
27. I have a soft spot for Out of Placers and archaic literature.
28. Because of my current injuries, I am in much pain!
29. In the future, I will reduce my technological use to the bare minimum.
30. I'm a minimalist. Minimalism is a lifestyle.
31. One of my favorite dark ambient artist right now is Flowers for Bodysnatchers. You can really feel the emotional aspects of the stories he tells with the sound he designs; it's really dark and depressing.
32. I'm a skateboarder. It's a dangerous sport and I don't recommend it at all. Please don't do it, as it hurts bad once you get in an accident. I got in one on Sunday, ripped my jeans and I have scars and wounds all over my body. I had to take off all my clothes and it took near an hour getting everything, "Fixed," up. My face, which took the most damage, was spurting bright red coagulated blood all over my bared, torn feet. I have a high pain tolerance than most people but I still do not recommend it. I have an adnormal ability to remain calm in a situation involving blood, gore, and injuries; even if the blood, gore and wounds are on myself. I guess that's what years of listening to terrible dark music and playing horror games does to yah; I'd be a good forensic crime-scene photographer as I wouldn't vomit on the dead corpses! Cool! Maybe that can be a last resort job for me! (Hopefully, I can use some pictures in my grotesque art projects.)
33. I'm weird and I'm into weird things; people my age don't like me for this, but older people do.
34. I'm polite, mostly toward older people as I have learned to respect our elders; only if they are open-minded, of course.
35. I'm usually a soft-spoken person, that takes many things seriously unless I have an overwhelming sense of happiness.
36. People say I'm intelligent; I can see why.
37. During the year of 2015, I exhibited psychotic-like symptoms, despite not having clinical psychosis.
38. For three years of my life I was subject to prescription drugs, I no longer take any and made a formal oath of only taking of few forms of therapy in the case of mental illness or other things. If a doctor forces to me undergo a form of treatment without my formal consent, I will retaliate. It won't be pretty.
39. I used to listen to grindcore music.
40. I only fear sleep paralysis, but I hope to have these problems in the future as I have had them in the past. They are terrifying, but I like it.
41. If I am in a severe state of depression, my mind will exhibit sleep paralysis symptoms but in waking reality; meaning, I may have short hallucinations of black silhouettes. I named the first one I saw my Shadow-self. No, I do not have any severe mental disorders. It is just the human brain is capable of more than we know. Meditation (see number 16), can heighten more primitive areas of the human mind. It is not as common as I make it out to sound. This is not a symptom of number 37.
42. No matter what happens to me, I'm always OK!
43. This is a lot of things about me.
44. I'm a very secretive person and do not want to tell everyone everything about me.
45. I prefer extreme sports over organized sports, like skate-boarding.
46.

Music and Writing:

1. When you listen to music, what feelings/emotions does it evoke?

I listen to various forms of music: Hard rave genres such as happy hardcore music, speedcore and the like. However, I am not quite fond of the electronic music industry, and I only listen to this when I'm so happy that I desire to run around the room and dance like an idiot on some kind of drugs. I barely do this, as I usually prefer to listen to spiritually atavistic music, like Cascadian metal. The purpose of it is to create an altered state of experience through the use of death metal, and since my spiritual beliefs are rather ancient and historic it only makes sense to, 'access,' the energies and current of this form of music in order to help me perceived what is known as the spiritual other: the sense of inhumanity and ancient alienness that is the deeper parts of our psyche. This part of our mind is used to facilitate a spiritual experience. Bands like Echtra, Fuana, Ekstasis along with Botanist. The band Botanist advocates for Entarchy, which is a system of government in which the forest and its attendent laws and natural rules are taken as the law of the land quite literally if you will. The forest is also worshipped as the ultimate god, and sacrifices of blood and other fluid is necessary. The ideology openly supports the dissolution of the human race and its attendents so as to allow the forest to dominant us and our lives until our demise. Obviously, this ideology will not catch on since it is rather niche in nature but since it sounds like something that I supported a year ago* so I decided to support the artist. Not only do I enjoy the music itself, I also like the message and what the artist stand for. I also perceive it as a very spiritual thing, despite the fact that it may sound extreme to some people. In conclusion my spiritual views, ideologies and associated subcultures (Like folk crust punk, hence me enjoying We The Heathens. Or like furry art and subculture, hence me enjoying Halley Labs) influence my taste in music very greatly. However, I do enjoy midwest emo, pop punk, dream-pop and et alia; this music reminds me of my youthfulness, and since I have a very serious outlook on life and philosopher, it reminds me to have fun with my time here on this thing called Earth; I also enjoy dark ambient, for spiritual reasons. Even though it really isn't music. It's more like a bunch of drones and dark chamber field-recordings.

2. What is your favorite song? Why? Is it connected to a certain time, event, or place?

List of my favorite songs, with genre and precedding explanation, not in any order:

a) PACEMAKER REV_2.1, album; NERVE'S ENDING by the Quick Brown Fox. Reason for enjoyment: It just sounds fun! Genre: Speedcore
b) Fallohides, album; The Blood Behind the Dam, by We The Heathens. Reason for enjoyment: I love folk music, and since I also enjoy modern forms of punk and metal the combination of the two (Along with the relaxing nature field-recordings present in the album) makes for a very earth-centered and modern experience.

Above: We The Heathens album art for, "The Blood Behind the Dam", all copyright goes to them. Taken from wetheheathens.bandcamp.com

c) Sky Burial, the album written and composed by Echtra; I enjoy it for spiritual reasons and listen to it recreationally sometimes.
d) One Thing, album; Blast Radius by Coyete Pepper. Reason for enjoyment: I like the associated company for obvious reasons,and since I desire to own a business in the future they are like a symbol that shows that even the most insanely odd ideas can grow into a successful business is inspiring to me. I also enjoy the music for its sound and what it means, and use the song for as a part of my vocal warm-up practices.
e) 电动少女, album; Here comes a new challenger! by Chinese Football, Reason for enjoyment: I like the youthfulness of the song, plus I enjoy midwest emo math rock.

3. How has your taste in music changed over the years?

The first ever song I heard and really enjoyed was by Queen. Growing up, since I was an aggressive and energetic boy I listened to a lot of Nu Metal bands, like Linkin Park (I listened to them for three years, then I discovered Green Day, Gorillaz). Soon I started listen to a radio through my television while doing homework and discovered Bring Me The Horizon, Deftones and other heavy bands. After listening to Metalcore and Dubstep music I started expanding my musical horizons even wider and discovered Dark Ambient while I accidently discovered minimalism and how it applies to music and as a life-style. Then I started to take my spirituality more seriously and started exploring older forms of music and other forms of metal. Everything weaves together into one strong path!

4. Why do you gravitate towards certain types of music? Why do you think you dislike certain types of music? (Influences, history, parents)

I love energetic music because I'm rather an energetic person. In public I'm more reserved and quite, mostly because I'm a thinking introvert and I'm shy. But being mute for long periods of time is very meditative to me, and meditation feels good. It's a spiritual thing I do: Meditate. It just feels so good. So sometimes my music may sound very nature-like and calm, other times it will be happy and fast, or dark and brooding. But I grew up with heavier music and rock and as a consequence I have a tendency to lean more towards that genre. Growing up, I hated anything to do with the country, especially what I called at the time, 'Hillbilly music.' Fortunately, I am not ignorant as I was back then, but I still do not really enjoy modern country music. I prefer the blues or bluegrass music, rather than songs about big green tractors or how whisky is or something cliche like that (I'm sorry if I offended any country musicians out there).

5. Do your friends listen to the same styles of music as you? What do you think this means?

No. My music, like most things I enjoy, are niche. Meaning they are orientated to a specific group of people that enjoy a specific thing; but I like to keep my music this way. It makes me feel good to be the only person I know who likes this music in my general vicinity. However, with genres like Indie folk or midwest emo, I just want to perform these songs with a group of musicians. Or listen to it while star-gazing with a close friend. Star-gazing is very meditative and you can learn a lot of history by studying the stars. I like to read about it, then when someone is star-gazing with me I tell them the history, mythology and science associated with it and people rather enjoy that.

6. "Without music, life would be a mistake," -Fredrick Nietzsche. Music can put you in different worlds, different states of mind, it can give you a new perspective on your emotions and have encouraged millions to keep on going in rough times and to enjoy the present moment. Sometimes, if I'm feeling down, I can sit outside as the sun sets listening to a song. I don't really like to listen to some songs, I like to experience them. Which is why I enjoy the music I like; it has an ambient tonality to it that makes it feel like it is alive, like it is living and telling you all that you already know how to feel. It allows you to put even the worse situations into a perspective that helps you understand and cope with them more.

15. Would you ever want to sing or be a musician professionally?
 Yes, my side career will actually be writing, composing, producing and mastering my own musical albums. I'm also a trained vocalist. I'm trying to learn how to do extreme unclean vocal techniques; they are SO hard. These vocals are basically the safe way to, "Scream," in music without fully injuring yourself. However, if not done right to the highest degree it will slowly destroy your voice. Fun fact! My falsetto was permanently destroyed when I swallowed a mint whole while taking a test in eighth grade! It got lodged up in my larynx and it was there until it melted. It hurt, a lot.

*(and still do, to some loose extant; however, that is another topic revolving around biology, ecology and how I realized that it is pointless to demonize and hate myself just because I am human. One day we will die out and the world will heal itself)

Happy Artisan Architectural Stuff: Screw the Codes! [Excerpt from my Junior Year Journal]

I finally sent the letter to the Cultus! Yay! I also have an idea for artisan architecture that promotes the growth of native biodiversity without damaging its surrounding ecological environment. It will have no plastics of any kind, nor any damaging chemicals. The carpets, if able, will be replaced with soft, native grass. This carpet of sorts will be watered through drip irrigation from the rain water that gets collected on the roof. The drip irrigation system and surrounding outdoor permaculture forest garden will be watered by the elements and a geopolymer pipeline if applicable. (A gray water system should be installed for the shower and sink, wasted food gets composted and the toilet is a composting toilet). The refrigerator is replaced with a fermented food pantry (underground, if you can.) since it stores for a long time and is healthy (Meats like fish and poultry and any kind of solid plant is fermented, drinks can be fermented into kvass soda or alcohol, along with water storage. Ooh! Prickly Pear syrup in kvass soda! Sounds good!). The outer walls will be straw-bale walls, outside plastered with natural hydraulic lime (Handmade, if you can), the inner walls being plastered with clay plaster. The wood used should be strong, and should be debarked by hand. Keep the log naturally round, for square logs are weaker There's a reason why trees aren't rectangular prisms, so why do we use sheets of wood and flat wood planks to build weak, ugly, stubby commercial homes? Round wood is naturally stronger, as nature favors the strong and therefore not the nasty rectangular prism logs that mills pull out. The logs should be joined with heavy-duty nuts and bolts to increase the strength and endurance of the building.

Oh, wouldn't it be cool if the fermentation jars would be organized by color based upon the visible [or light] spectrum (or rainbow colors, if you will). It's art, practical and food! You see, different jars will be different colors because of the contents inside, put them in a visible color spectrum based order and it looks like a rainbow; however, since fermented food should be stored in the dark, you may not see it. Boo.

I wrote this because I injured myself skateboarding (I lost my balance, and then I was thrown off and rolled onto the road. I got up, in pain. I gather my skateboard and limped home to take care of my injuries. Then I went back to dangerous hill-surfing! Woo!) I now need to rest my body and I decided to think. I was talking about how carpets are disgusting sponges with my mom and how I would rather have a natural dirt floor when I saw the grass I walk on outside my bay window sliding door thing and I got the idea. I might go down to my community spa pool to ease the pain, maybe I can make new friends while I'm there. Or, maybe the people will leave me alone... Nah, only the drunk frat boys who can't rap, but still try to do that! Yay! I'm a natural idiot repellent! Seriously though, those guys are annoying. However, the home should follow codes to the best of nature's ability. I should also build it in regards to my spirituality. Yay! My crooked path is getting sharper with thorns. My side hurts still.

Mellified Man Draft

"Mellified Man"

There is a man buried in the sand.

His body stuck in an urn of honey,

That his owner wanted to sell for money.

The man said, "Am I dead? Or sleeping a very deep sleep?"

"Don't move!" Said the owner, "Don't even creep! 

Or else you will spoil the honey and I'll never get my money!"

The owner walked away and left the man to stay.

"Will I ever see the light of day as I rot away in this jar of honey"

Said the man.

"Just so my owner could get some money?"

He waited and waited for the light of day, but years would pass until he found his own way

There was a merchant who sold fine wares, he wore fancy clothes and had golden hairs.

"Ah!" said the merchant, as he found a lump in the sand, "I wonder, don't I wonder, if here lies a mellified man!"

He dug and he dug and he heard a big THUNK!

This is the urn, the buried man's trunk.

He picked up the urn of honey but sold it for money.

"Oh, no!" Yelled the man, "This isn't funny!"

Childhood Inspired Writing

Despite what I may have told you, not everything in my childhood was bad. As a matter of fact, these experiences may have helped make me a better person. I believe that I am a more open-minded person due to these experiences; and therefore, I hate ignorance and do not tolerate it. I am intolerant of religious ignorance (Both toward certain religions and when religious people target groups like homosexuals or furries), sexual ignorance (Homophobia), amongst any other forms of ignorance spouted by people who really need to open their mind and educate themselves. I will protect and defend those defeated by ignorance because I will believe it is right. Anyway, without further ado, here's some embarrassing stuff from my childhood:

1. I remember one time I was playing outside. You see, my aunt owned an illegal child day-care business, so the kids I didn't like and I went for our regular playtime.
12. I was over at a gymnasium because my big sister was a gymnast in here more perfect years. I got bored of watching her, plus I didn't even know where she was. My mind was always unable to focus at the time, so I ended up going near the lockers and stealing a soda I found. Somehow, the person who owned it managed to stick candies stuck inside of the bottle, so I opened it up to find out how they placed it in there. Well, it exploded so I just threw it at the locker and laughed. The kid that I've never seen before walked up to me and asked if we could play tag. Well, I did and I ended up playing tag with him. Once I got back to the bleachers to watch my sister I told him to stop. However, he did not and he ended up pushing me. My body backflipped under the bleachers and I cracked open my head on one of the bleachers. Blood was everywhere. I got up, crying; and my stupid aunt told my mother, "We cannot take him to the hospital, it will cost $400.00 and I don't have the money." So, I just got home, put ice on my head and now, if I were bald, you'd see a scar on my head from the event. It's like a subtle dent in my head, I can still feel it. It hurts when I hit it on the shelf.

Biography: Attempted Life in Living, Alas.

"Aye, La vie vaut la peine d'être vécue, la mort vaut le culte! Mustn't you look upon yourself for who you aren't to be! This life of mine, much a life I beheld, now is the melting pot of my creativity and the rest is just what is in my mind. Now, behold! Harken forth, all ye worshipers, find the way to escape the pestilence of that which holds you. May your life be as good as mine. Many thanks unto you, many thanks be. So may shalt those who go by night, live a lie and see. The people of this realm would be the people that be.

Aye, Que la mort vous embrasse, que la vie soit courte! But, alas! Such is life, for it ends ever so quaintly. May your soul exist forever in the inside of the beast, and may that he and she exist purely for its consumption. For the true beast controls all living, controls all that is dead and forces them in an endless cycle of birth and rebirth until one finds that true rebirth comes from death! Such is life, the endless, fathomless abyss which the gunningagap of fate may break! Bow all ye worshipers, for what is dead is dead!" - Thoughts and Contemplation journal, Volume II by the author; listed under, "Poetry in the Form of Essays," which contain the nonsense of archaic English.

My life, for all to see? Nay, this is certainly not, for I am too coy; to bashful in the presence of intrusion upon my past that I dare not choose to show what lies underneath. Yah, how crude ye say! How crude. But, alas, I am just a humble writer. Who has written in archaic English, and for what? For you to comprehend? Certainly not! You mustn't comprehend, by my hands and my hands alone, the past is dead. I have written much, written many. But none published, none recognized. Who will see what is plain and good? Nay, nobody here! You will not, and I shall never see the day when this, so called putrid excuse for a "Biography," will be noticed. Just know, dearest reader, one shall not attempt to find meaning in this script. For it means nothing. There is no point! Nah, none at all! My writings are just the surreal attempt to make you perceive that which you consider intelligent; that which is omnipotent, that which shalt die. It is just poetry without stanzas, without rhyme. It is, therefore nothing, and that is what you shall know about me: Nothing! Nothing at all!

Good day, may life hear the call of death and weep at your beginnings.

Books for Kids! and the Parents will Read!

Books for Kids! Transcription: Copy #42

Title of Book: "We Found a Hat"

Author: "Jon Klassen"

Is there an author's bio in the front or back of the book? "Yes."

What does it say about the author? "He wrote and illustrated, 'I want My Hat Back,' and, 'This is not my Hat.' 

Describe the cover in a detailed sentence: "Very minimalistic, watercolor, yet beautiful. I think that he used sponges to paint."

# of Pages: "25 in total."

List the Characters: "Turtle 1 and Turtle 2"

Describe the Setting(s) in a detailed sentence: "Desert in reality, outer-space in the dreams they had."

Transcriber #42 was executed for releasing expunged data, further whereabouts classified.